Take care of it, you only get 1.
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Editorial Note: This was originally written in 2018 but never published until now. 10/2/2024.
There was a grand scheme and thought process behind starting this post, but it disappeared instantly. There are days, weeks, or even months when finding the right word, the correct order of words, or even a single word to express yourself becomes difficult. No matter how hard you try to concentrate or force yourself to write, the current cognitive state of your brain can stop you before you begin. It’s frustrating, depressing, tiresome, and unkind. It makes you want to drink, to jump, to wish the lights never turned back on. (Damn, that wasn’t depressing at all.) What “IT” is, is Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE), caused by multiple blows to the head—aka concussions. The side effects vary from person to person, influenced by the type of head injuries, their severity, and the number of injuries.
I want to accomplish a few things with this entry. First, for those who have experienced little or no head injuries and do not face long-term CTE issues, I want them to understand what someone else might be going through. Second, for those who have had a few injuries, I want to highlight the importance of protecting the CPU inside your skull. Third, for those who are going through it, I hope to provide a sense of connection..
For some reason, I have something inside me that puts my head in harm’s way. With over a dozen serious concussions and head injuries, my life has changed after each one. After every blow, the side effects worsen. My personality changes—more mood swings, random confusion where there used to be clarity, difficulty keeping thoughts and ideas in line, and a feeling of distance. There are times when I can look at my hand and feel like it’s not me looking at it; I’m standing 10 feet behind, watching someone else look at my hand. Some of you may have just read that and thought, “Sounds like depression.” Well, it partly is, because personality changes and depression are major side effects of CTE. BMX legend Dave Mirra is a prime and frightening example of this.
There are days when, no matter how hard I try, my vision makes it nearly impossible to function. I went through an entire year with lines in my vision—very faint static lines—but thankfully those have faded as I’ve given my brain time to heal before its next impact. Glasses and contacts do not help; fuzzy obstructions cloud my line of sight (and I’m not talking about “floaters”). While this is frustrating, it’s not the worst part. For me, personally, the worst part is my memory and random lack of cognitive strength. What makes this most frustrating is knowing how my brain once functioned and where it is now, all because I put on a helmet and smashed it into someone else’s head for the love of the game. Time machines don’t exist; otherwise, I’d go back and never put on a football jersey.
There is no getting back to normal or to the old you. That person is gone. There is only getting back to functioning. That brain power has mostly been lost. There are exercises you can do to help, just like with any injury, but for the most part, the damage is done. If you’ve just experienced your first major head injury, give it time. Do not rush back into anything. You may feel like yourself the next day, but that doesn’t mean you’re “healed.” I’ve had injuries that left me feeling fine within 24 hours and others that left me feeling like I was on Saturn for four months. Both need weeks or months to heal before you can consider putting yourself in a harmful situation.
As a motorcycle racer, smashing your head on the pavement or getting your noggin run over is an obvious reality of what can happen. Since I’ve been racing, it’s the one thing I’ve always said would force me to hang up my leathers. One more concussion is all it takes to escalate those current symptoms into something deadly. From the outside, the obvious answer is… quit. Quit racing. Why put yourself in harm’s way? That’s a good point—an excellent point. Anyone who is truly into motorcycles and motorcycle racing knows how many times we all think about leaving. We also know how incredibly difficult that would be to accomplish. But one day, hopefully before it’s too late, the suit will be hung up for good, and I will be okay with that. Hopefully, when that day comes, I will still be able to tie my own shoes without drooling on myself.
Huge thanks to Arai and Suomy, whose helmets have always protected my head very well in terms of impact. It is possible to get a concussion without having an impact on your head, but it never hurts to protect it with quality equipment.
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